THE ADVENTURES OF PHIL MORRIS MORRIS, EPISODE-HUNTER EXTRAORDINAIRE

Episode One

THE TIME IS THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING ON A QUIET MERSEYSIDE STREET. DARK. SWIRLING FOG. WE SEE A PATROL CAR EMERGE FROM THE FOG. A SECURITY GUARD GETS OUT AND WALKS TOWARDS A LARGE METAL GATE. HE FLASHES HIS TORCH ON IT. IT SAYS, "P.M. MORRIS, THE SELF-STORAGE EXPERTS". HE OPENS THE GATE AND WALKS INTO A COURTYARD. WE SEE A ROW OF GARAGE DOORS, ONE OF WHICH IS HALF OPEN. THE GUARD PULLS UP THE GARAGE DOOR AND FLASHES HIS TORCH INSIDE. THERE IS A SMALL PILE OF FILM CANS ON A WOODEN TABLE. HE PICKS ONE UP AND READS THE LABEL - "PROPERTY OF ZNBC". HE OPENS THE CAN AND IMMEDIATELY RECOILS, DROPPING IT AND PLACING A HANDERCHIEF OVER HIS NOSE AND MOUTH.

CAPTION: "AN UNEARTHLY SMELL".

FADE TO A SCHOOL CORIDOOR. A SMALL NUMBER OF STUDENTS AGED ABOUT 16 GOING TO AND FROM CLASS. A FEMALE SCHOOL TEACHER IS JUST LEAVING ONE OF THE ROOMS. SHE TURNS AS SHE EXITS.

MISS WIGAN: Wait in here, please, Susan. I won't be long.
SUSAN: (off camera) Yes, Miss Wigan.

MISS WIGAN HEADS DOWN THE CORRIDOOR, THEN TURNS INTO ANOTHER ROOM. A MAN IS TIDYING UP A CLASS LABORATORY AS SHE ENTERS.

MR LESTERTON: Oh? Not gone yet?
MISS WIGAN: Obviously not.
MR LESTERTON: Right, ask a silly question!
MISS WIGAN: I'm sorry.
MR LESTERTON: That's all right. I'll forgive you this time.
MISS WIGAN: Oh, I had a terrible day. I don't know what to make of it.
MR LESTERTON: Oh, what's the trouble? Can I help?
MISS WIGAN: Oh, it's one of the girls, Susan Malden.
MR LESTERTON: Susan Malden? She your problem too?
MISS WIGAN: Yes.
MR LESTERTON: You don't know what to make of her?
MISS WIGAN: No.
MR LESTERTON: How old is she, Barbara?
MISS WIGAN: Sixteen.
MR LESTERTON: Sixteen. She lets her knowledge out a bit at a time so as not to embarrass me. That's what I feel about her. She knows more about the New Series than I'll ever know. She's a total nerd. Is that what she's doing with the Classic Series?
MISS WIGAN: Something like that.
MR LESTERTON: So your problem is whether to stay in business or to hand over the class to her?
MISS WIGAN: No, not quite.
MR LESTERTON: What, then?
MISS WIGAN: Ian, I must talk to someone about this, but I don't want to get the girl into trouble. And I know you're going to tell me I'm imagining things.
MR LESTERTON: No, I'm not.
MISS WIGAN: Well, I told you how much she knows about The First Doctor. I had a talk with her and told her she ought to create her own blog. Well, she seemed quite interested until I said I'd be willing to work with her at her home. Then she said that would be absolutely impossible as her guardian didn't like strangers.
MR LESTERTON: He's a businessman, isn't he? That's a bit of a lame excuse.
MISS WIGAN: Well, I didn't pursue the point but then recently her tweets have been so cryptic.
MR LESTERTON: Yes, I know. Where exactly IS Abuju?
MISS WIGAN: Finally I got so irritated with all her excuses I decided to have a talk with this guardian of hers and tell him to take some interest in her.
MR LESTERTON: Did you indeed? And what's the old boy like?
MISS WIGAN: Well, that's just it. I got her address from the secretary, 97 Nutter's Lane, and I went along there one evening. (Ian is checking his phone) Oh Ian, do pay attention!
MR LESTERTON: Sorry, just reading some crazy rumour about Web. So you went along there one evening?
MISS WIGAN: There isn't anything there! It's just an old self-storage place.
MR LESTERTON: You must have gone to the wrong place.
MISS WIGAN: Well, that was the address Google Maps gave me.
MR LESTERTON: Google got it wrong, then.
MISS WIGAN: No. I checked. There's a big grafitti mural on one side, a pizza shop on the other and nothing in the middle. And this nothing in the middle is number 97 Nutter's Lane.
MR LESTERTON: Hmm. That's a bit of a mystery. Well, there must be a simple answer somewhere.
MISS WIGAN: Well, what?
MR LESTERTON: Well, we'll have to find out for ourselves, won't we?
MISS WIGAN: Thank you for the "we". She's waiting in one of the classrooms. I'm lending her the The Reign Of Terror.
MR LESTERTON: What's she going to do, narrate it? (Laughs) Oh, all right. What do we do? Ask her point-blank?
MISS WIGAN: No, I thought we could stalk her, wait till she arrives and see where she goes.
MR LESTERTON: Oh, all right.
MISS WIGAN: That is, if you're not doing anything.
MR LESTERTON: No, I find it strangely appealing. After you.

CUT TO ANOTHER CLASSROOM. SUSAN IS ALONE, TEXTING FURIOUSLY ON HER IPHONE.

MISS WIGAN: Susan?
SUSAN: Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Wigan. I didn't hear you coming in. Aren't they fabulous? (giggles)
MISS WIGAN: Who?
SUSAN: Scott Frere and Puqui. They've gone from nine to ninety.
MR LESTERTON: (self importantly) Puqui is the forum name of the Honourable Mark Ssorg. He started his career as Marko Puqui And The Sock Puppets, didn't he, Susan?
SUSAN: You are surprising, Mister Lesterton. I wouldn't expect you to know things like that.
MR LESTERTON: I have a lot of spare time. And several recovered episodes under my belt.
SUSAN: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
MR LESTERTON: Thank you.
SUSAN: Is that the dvd you promised me?
MISS WIGAN: Yes.
SUSAN: Thank you very much - it will be interesting. I'll return it tomorrow.
MISS WIGAN: Oh, that's not necessary. Keep it until you've finished it.
SUSAN: Oh I'll have watched it four or five times by then.
MR LESTERTON: Where do you live, Susan? I'm giving Miss Wigan a lift, I've got room for one more.
SUSAN: No, thank you, Mister Lesterton. You'll get arrested.
MISS WIGAN: Be careful, Susan, I see you are on Tinder.
SUSAN: (mysteriously) Mmm.
MISS WIGAN: See you in the morning.
SUSAN: I expect so. Good night.
MISS WIGAN: Good night.
MR LESTERTON: Good night, Susan.

MISS WIGAN AND MR LESTERTON LEAVE. SUSAN PUTS THE REIGN OF TERROR DVD INTO HER LAPTOP AND STARTS TO WATCH EPISODE 4.

SUSAN: But that's not right!

CUT TO NUTTER'S LANE. IAN AND BARBARA ARE SITTING IN A PARKED CAR.

MISS WIGAN: Do you often go dogging, Ian?
MR LESTERTON: This isn't dogging. We are stalking a young girl.
MISS WIGAN: I suppose we are doing the right thing, aren't we?
MR LESTERTON: It's never bothered me before.
MISS WIGAN: But her tweets?
MR LESTERTON: A bit of an excuse, really, isn't it? I've seen far worse from Levine. The truth is, we're both curious about Susan Malden.
MISS WIGAN: You can't just pass it off like that. If I thought I was just being a perve, I'd go straight home. I thought you agreed she was a bit of a mystery.
MR LESTERTON: Yes, but I think you'll find there's a very simple explanation to all this.
MISS WIGAN: Well, I don't know how you explain the fact that a sixteen year old fan does not know how many episodes there were in Hong Kong?
MR LESTERTON: Really?!
MISS WIGAN: Really. She said she thought there was a whole season there.
MR LESTERTON: One season?!

CROSSFADE TO CLASSROOM SCENE. SUSAN IS STANDING AT HER DESK. THE OTHER STUDENTS ARE LAUGHING AT HER.

SUSAN: I'm sorry, Miss Wigan.
MISS WIGAN: Don't be silly, Susan. Only one story was returned from Hong Kong. Not one season.
SUSAN: (to herself) Of course, it hasn't been handed back yet...

CROSS BACK TO NUTTER'S LANE

MR LESTERTON: I suppose she couldn't be Australian? No, doesn't make sense. Nothing about this girl makes sense. For instance, the other day I talking about vinegar syndrome. I'd given out a recovered episode of Morcambe And Wise to show cause and decay-
MISS WIGAN: And she knew the ending before you'd restored it?
MR LESTERTON: Well, not quite. The episode simply didn't interest her...

CROSS TO LABORATORY

SUSAN: Yes, I can see it turns to slush, Mister Lesterton, but that's because we're dealing with orphaned episodes.
MR LESTERTON: But that's the whole point of the experiment, Susan.
SUSAN: Yes, it's a bit obvious, isn't it? Well, I'm not trying to be rude, but couldn't we just recover the complete series? Then that episode could turn to slush all by itself and we could get on with watching something else? I'm sorry, it was just an idea...

CROSS BACK TO NUTTER'S LANE

MR LESTERTON: She means it. These orphaned episodes are child's play to her.
MISS WIGAN: You know, it's almost got to the point where I deliberately want to trip her up.
MR LESTERTON: Yes. Something like that happened the other day. I'd set the class a problem with V, W and X as possible locations of three missing episodes.

CROSS TO LABORATORY

SUSAN: It's impossible unless you use Y and Z.
MR LESTERTON: Y and Z? Whatever for? Do the problem that's set, Susan!
SUSAN: I can't, Mister Lesterton. You can't simply work on three of the locations!
MR LESTERTON: Three of them? Oh, Y being the fourth location, I suppose? Then what do you need Z for? What do you make Z stand for?
SUSAN: (nervously) Zambia...

CROSS BACK TO NUTTER'S LANE

MISS WIGAN: Too many rumours and not enough answers.
MR LESTERTON: Stupid? Or just doesn't know? Hang on, something's happening on Tinder...
MISS WIGAN: There she is!

SUSAN APPEARS. SHE LOOKS AROUND FURTIVELY AND ENTERS THE SELF-STORAGE FACILITY.

MISS WIGAN: Look, can we go in now? I hate to think of her alone in that place.
MR LESTERTON: If she IS alone. Look, she is sixteen. She might be meeting a boy.
MISS WIGAN: I almost hope you're right!
MR LESTERTON: Yes, that could be interesting.
MISS WIGAN: Silly isn't it? I feel frightened. As if we're about to get arrested.
MR LESTERTON: Don't worry. I've done this before.

THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR.

MISS WIGAN: (shivering) Well? Don't you feel it?
MR LESTERTON: I say "Believe it when you see it." Come on.

THEY ENTER THE FACILITY AND LOOK AROUND. IAN TURNS HIS FLASHLIGHT APP ON AND SHINES IT AT THE GARAGE DOORS. HE INSPECTS THEM. THEY ARE CLOSED. THERE IS NO SIGN OF SUSAN.

MR LESTERTON: What a dump. Just a load of old garages.
MISS WIGAN: What are you doing?
MR LESTERTON: I have to take a leak...
MISS WIGAN: A what?
MR LESTERTON: A piss.
MISS WIGAN: Couldn't you have waited?
MR LESTERTON: No I'm busting.
MISS WIGAN: (shouting) Susan? Susan? Susan! Susan. It's Mister Lesterton and Miss Wigan! (Normal) She can't have got out without us seeing her!
MR LESTERTON: Barbara, take a look at this garage door!
MISS WIGAN: Which garage door?
MR LESTERTON: This one I'm pissing on. Barbara! Feel this! Feel it. Do you feel it?
MISS WIGAN: No Ian, I told you yesterday I'm not interested...
MR LESTERTON: No, not that! This garage door, there's a faint vibration... it's alive!

THEY INSPECT IT MORE CLOSELY.

MR LESTERTON: It's not connected to anything... unless it's through the internet...
MISS WIGAN: Oooo, it feels so nice when you press up against it!
MR LESTERTON: Here, give me have a try... ohh...

SOMEONE COUGHS

MISS WIGAN: (turns suddenly) Is that her?
MR LESTERTON: That's not her. Quick, hide!

THEY HIDE BEHIND A PARKED TRUCK AS A YOUNG MAN IN A TOM BAKER SCARF APPROACHES. HE IS CARRYING A PIZZA. HE PULLS A SET OF KEYS FROM HIS POCKET AND BENDS DOWN TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR.

SUSAN: (from afar) Is that you, Phillip?
MISS WIGAN: (whispering) It's Susan!
MR LESTERTON: Shush!

IAN AND BARBARA EMERGE FROM THEIR HIDING PLACE.

MR LESTERTON: Excuse me...
PHIL MORRIS: (surprised) Who the flipping heck are you?
MR LESTERTON: We're looking for a young girl.
PHIL MORRIS: I think you want that place up the road.
MISS WIGAN: Cheeky sod!
PHIL MORRIS: Look, my wallet's empty but you can have the pizza, okay?
MR LESTERTON: No no, one of our pupils, Susan Foreman, came into this yard...
PHIL MORRIS: Really? In here? Nahhh.
MISS WIGAN: Yes, we saw her on Tinder.
PHIL MORRIS: (suspiciously) What's your game mate?
MR LESTERTON: I beg your pardon?
PHIL MORRIS: Why are you stalking her? Who are you?
MR LESTERTON: We heard a young girl's voice call out to you.
PHIL MORRIS: I'm a married man, mate.
MISS WIGAN: It came from in here!
PHIL MORRIS: Probably just a rumour.
MISS WIGAN: It is certainly not a rumour!
PHIL MORRIS: Look, I just stopped in here to take a piss.
MR LESTERTON: Would it therefore be unreasonable to ask why you're carrying a pizza?
PHIL MORRIS: (his demeanour changes) I'm afraid I can't say anything at this time.
MISS WIGAN: Look, won't you help us? We're two of her teachers from school. We saw her come in and we haven't seen her leave. Naturally, we're worried.
PHIL MORRIS: She's not missing, she's not here, THE END.
MR LESTERTON: We're not leaving until we're satisfied that Susan isn't in there. And frankly, I don't understand your attitude!
PHIL MORRIS: Everything will be revealed at the right time.
MR LESTERTON: Will you open the door?
PHIL MORRIS: Nah, bugger off.
MR LESTERTON: Then what are you afraid to show us?
PHIL MORRIS: (muttering as he starts to eat the pizza) This'll get cold...
MR LESTERTON: I think we'd better text her.
PHIL MORRIS: (eating) Suit yourself, mate.
MR LESTERTON: And you will too.
PHIL MORRIS: No I won't. Burp.
MISS WIGAN: (whispering) Ian, we'll get done for grooming...
MR LESTERTON: But we can't leave her here! Doesn't it seem obvious to you he's got her locked up in there? Look at that pizza - it's the family size one.
SUSAN: (from inside the garage) Phillip! Hurry up with the sodding pizza! I'm starving.
MISS WIGAN: That was Susan's voice!
MR LESTERTON: But of course it was! Susan! Susan! Susan, are you in there? It's Mister Lesterton and Miss Wigan, Susan!
PHIL MORRIS: (barring their way) Don't you think you're acting a bit weird, mate? You followed a young girl on Tinder. You imagine she fancies you. You believe she might be inside there. It's all a bit Rolf Harris, don't you think?
MISS WIGAN: But why won't you help us?
PHIL MORRIS: I'm not hindering you. If you both want to make fools of yourselves, I suggest you do what you said you'd do. Send her a text.
MR LESTERTON: While you nip off quietly and inform Yewtree? Oh no you don't.
PHIL MORRIS: Nuts. I'm going to finish my pizza. (Sits down on the ground)
MR LESTERTON: Nevertheless, we're going to text her. Come on, Barbara.
SUSAN: (from inside) What are you doing out there?
MR LESTERTON: She IS in there!
PHIL MORRIS: (jumping up) Close the door!
MR LESTERTON: Barbara!

BARBARA PUSHES PAST PHIL MORRIS AS THE GARAGE DOOR OPENS.

CUT TO GARAGE INTERIOR. SHE FINDS HERSELF IN A LARGE ROOM. THERE IS A TARDIS BOOKSHELF AGAINST ONE WALL PACKED WITH VHS TAPES. VARIOUS PIECES OF DR WHO MEMORABILIA ARE SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM INCLUDING A DALEK DRAPED IN AFRICAN HEAD DRESS. SUSAN IS STANDING AT A SIX SIDED REPLICA CONSOLE IN THE CENTRE.

PHIL MORRIS: Roll down the door, Sue... do you know these two twits?
SUSAN: They're two of my schoolteachers. (Turns to them) What are you doing here?
MISS WIGAN: Where are we?
PHIL MORRIS: They must have followed you! That sodding phone. I told you this would happen if you got on Tinder.
SUSAN: But why should they follow me?
MISS WIGAN: Is this really where you live, Susan?
SUSAN: Yes.
PHIL MORRIS: (indignantly) And what's wrong with it?
MR LESTERTON: But it was just a garage!
PHIL MORRIS: "Lockup".
MISS WIGAN: And this is your guardian?
SUSAN: Yes.
MISS WIGAN: But why didn't you tell us that?
PHIL MORRIS: It's complicated. I really don't want to say anything at this time.
MR LESTERTON: But it was a garage! I took a piss on it! Barbara, you saw me.
PHIL MORRIS: You don't deserve any explanations. You pushed your way in here, bucko.
MISS WIGAN: I think we ought to leave.
MR LESTERTON: No, just a minute. I know this is absurd, but I feel...
PHIL MORRIS: (turning to Susan) Here... extra anchovies like you wanted...
MR LESTERTON: It was a garage!
PHIL MORRIS: "Lockup". Everything will be revealed eventually.
MR LESTERTON: But I want to understand!
PHIL MORRIS: (still eating) Yes, yes, yes, mmmm, yum. (Turns to Susan) Oh Sue, I managed to find a replacement for Web 3. It's a recon, but I think it'll serve.
MR LESTERTON: It's an illusion. It must be!
PHIL MORRIS: What's the creep on about now?
SUSAN: (to Barbara and Ian) Why are you stalking me?
PHIL MORRIS: (to Barbara and Ian) Look, you don't have the full facts, so you make things up. "Illusion"? Bollocks! You say you can't fit Ian Levine into one of your sitting rooms?
MR LESTERTON: No. Anyway, I've only got the one.
PHIL MORRIS: But you've a phone, haven't you?
MR LESTERTON: Yes of course.
PHIL MORRIS: Then by following Levine on Twitter, you can do what seemed impossible, can't you?
MR LESTERTON: Well, yes, but I still don't know-
PHIL MORRIS: Not quite clear, is it? I can see by your facebook that you're not certain. You don't understand. And I knew you wouldn't. Never mind! (To himself) Now then, who'll get the last slice... (to Barbara and Ian) The point isn't whether you understand - what should I do with you? (to Susan) They'll tell everybody about the ship now.
MR LESTERTON: "Ship"?
PHIL MORRIS: Yes, ship. This lockup doesn't roll along on wheels, you know.
MISS WIGAN: You mean it moves?
SUSAN: The Tieardis can go anywhere.
MISS WIGAN: "Tieardis"? I don't understand you, Susan.
SUSAN: Well, I made up the name TIEARDIS from the initials: Television International Episodes All Reputedly Destroyed In the Seventies. I thought you'd both understand when you saw the videos on the shelf
MR LESTERTON: Wait a moment - fuck the ship, are you saying you've found some missing Doctor Who episodes?!
SUSAN: Yes.
PHIL MORRIS: I couldn't possibly comment.
MR LESTERTON: But that's ridiculous!
SUSAN: Why won't they believe us?
MISS WIGAN: How can we?
PHIL MORRIS: Oh don't get your knickers in a twist, Sue. Remember Tomb Of The Cybermen? When they first heard about it, they probably thought it was a rumour, too.
MR LESTERTON: You're treating us like fanboys.
PHIL MORRIS: You're not privvy to all the information.
MR LESTERTON: Information?
PHIL MORRIS: Yes, information. Have you ever thought what it's like to have so many frequent flyer points? Have you? To be exiles? Sue and I are cut off from fandom, without even a decent broadband internet connection. But one day we shall get it back. Yes, one day. One day.
SUSAN: It's true. Every word of it's true. You don't know what you've done coming in here. Phillip, let them go now, please. Look, if they don't understand they can't hurt us at all. I understand these people better than you. Their minds reject episodes they haven't seen.
PHIL MORRIS: No.
MR LESTERTON: He can't keep us here!
MISS WIGAN: Susan, listen to me. Can't you see that all this is an illusion? That these are all Loose Canon recons on the shelf? You can't expect us to believe it.
SUSAN: They're not recons!
MISS WIGAN: But Susan, it's-
SUSAN: They're not! Look, I love Doctor Who Monthly. I love Gallifrey Base. The last five months have been the happiest of my life.
MISS WIGAN: But you are one of us. You know there are 106 missing Dr Who episodes.
SUSAN: (stubbornly) I've seen The Web Of Fear, twice.
MR LESTERTON: Now look here, Susan, you... (turns) Oh, come on, Barbara, let's get out of here.
SUSAN: It's no use, you can't get out. He won't let you go.

PHIL MORRIS CROSSES TO THE SHELF, PLUCKS A VIDEO FROM IT AND PUTS ON EPISODE ONE OF FURY FROM THE DEEP.

MR LESTERTON: Huh? Now, which is it? Which is it? Which episode is that? Is it The War Games?
PHIL MORRIS: You still think they're recons?
MR LESTERTON: I know that recovered Second Doctor episodes are a fantasy I don't expect to see found in a garage!
PHIL MORRIS: "Lockup". Your arrogance is nearly as great as your ignorance.
MR LESTERTON: Will you show us The Macra Terror? Put it on! Susan, will you show us?
SUSAN: I mustn't. 
MR LESTERTON: Very well, then. I'll have to risk it myself.
PHIL MORRIS: I can't stop you.
SUSAN: Don't touch it! It's live!

IAN REACHES FOR THE MACRA TERROR TAPE BUT RECEIVES AN ELECTRIC SHOCK.

MISS WIGAN: Ian! (Turns to Phil) What on earth do you think you're doing?
SUSAN: Phillip, let them go now, please!
PHIL MORRIS: And by tomorrow we'll be a pubic spectacle on the forums!
SUSAN: But they won't say anything!
PHIL MORRIS: Oh Sue, of course they will. Put yourself in their place. They're bound to make some sort of tweet, or at the very least talk to Levine. If I do let them go, Sue, you realise of course we must go too?
SUSAN: No, Phillip, we've had all this out before!
PHIL MORRIS: There's no alternative, toots.
SUSAN: I want to stay! They're both kind people. Why won't you trust them? All you've got to do is ask them to promise to keep our secret.
PHIL MORRIS: (sighs) Have you forgotten about Web 3 already?
SUSAN: I won't go, Phillip! I won't leave Merseyside. I'd rather leave the TIEARDIS and you!
PHIL MORRIS: Now you're just being a prat.
SUSAN: No, I mean it!
PHIL MORRIS: Very well. Then go with them. I'll open the door.
MISS WIGAN: Are you coming, Susan?

SUSAN TURNS AND SEES PHIL MORRIS APPROACHING THE CONSOLE.

SUSAN: (grabbing Phil) Oh, no, Phillip! No!
PHIL MORRIS: Gerroff!
SUSAN: No!
PHIL MORRIS: Get back to the ship, for Chrissakes!

IAN LUNGES AT PHIL MORRIS. PHIL PRESSES A SWITCH ON THE CONSOLE AND THE T.I.E. ROTOR STARTS TO MOVE UP AND DOWN. IAN AND BARBARA ARE THROWN TO THE FLOOR UNCONSCIOUS. ON THE VIEW SCREEN, MERSEYSIDE CAN BE SEEN TO BE DISAPPEARING INTO THE DISTANCE. PHIL MORRIS CONTINUES TO WORK THE CONTROLS. LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF AS VARIOUS ANIMATED EPISODES APPEAR ON THE VIEW SCREEN. FINALLY THE SHIP COMES TO REST IN ABSOLUTE STILLNESS.

CUT TO EXTERIOR. THE LOCKUP SITS IN A JUNGLE CLEARING. SLOWLY, ACROSS THE GARAGE DOOR, THE SHADOW OF A HUMAN FIGURE FALLS.

END CREDITS.

CAPTION: "NEXT EPISODE: THE T.I.E. MEDDLER"